I had given up on it completely.
Thrown in the towel.
Said goodbye to the concept itself.
Refused to adhere to the "quick fixes" prescribed by my peers : refused to drown myself in either the bottle or the work or in other distractions.
Moved on. Decided to make myself useful to others for a change. Decided that I will look at the world in ways others don't, that I will say yes where others say no, that I will see and realize solutions where others only see and create problems.
And I'd gone on to do great things - learned techniques in communication and deployed them to get the right things done, participated in movements, undertook undertakings which none of my peers would have thought doable, organized, mobilized - a lot of things. Made some awesome friendships. Had a whale of a time.
I had traveled with my mind across the length and breadth of human knowledge - I read, saw, analyzed, understood, went into the depth of things, made amazing insights and dazzled all with my newfound wisdom.
So why, why now, when there is a world full of things I Have to do and which I Can do - why is it surging back like a phoenix?
Why is it tossing me between extreme moods? Why am I crying uncontrollably?
Why is it preventing me from tapping the full extent of my abilities? Heck, why is it preventing me from even functioning normally?
Why do I suddenly feel the loneliness of an eternity? Even when everything is there why do I feel like nothing, and no one, is around?
Why am I hoping where there should be no hope; Why am I ignoring all that I can be doing instead? Why am I waiting endlessly for that which my rational mind knows doesn't stand a chance of happening? And in the process why am I ruining other thngs I can easily make happen?
Why am I choosing the melancholy music over rock? Why do I suddenly prefer the slow piano version over the orginal? Why have I lost my appetite for comedies and action and all entertainment in general?
Why am I suddenly a child again, why am I coming to silly conclusions? Why am I making up wild theories? Why am I actually considering going forward with my deliberations, knowing full well the consequences?
Why am I focussing only on the glorious possibilities and unlimited happiness in store "if everything clicks" without weighing in the risks and the pitfalls, without looking at practical factors? Without stopping to consider that there are people in this world other than myself with hearts and minds of their own?
Why am I ignoring the million other things I can be doing right now? Why am I not getting in touch with the scores of other people I should be catching up with, given only a limited time of rest remaining before the hectic routine starts again? Why am I not at all interested in talking with anybody, yet feeling inconsolably lonely at the same time?
Why am I mentally rehearsing awesome, elegant things to say and then ending up making an incoherent idiot of myself?
Why can't I explain this to myself, let alone anyone else?
Why has it taken such a hold on me? I didn't want this. I didn't ask for it. I admit I got distracted, but that's completely human! Why am I suddenly so afraid of being judged without a chance to be heard out? Why does the prospect terrify me?
Why the bloody hell am I writing a sentimental, introverted blog post in a place where I usually (and very proudly!) stick to practical, big-picture, analytical, fact-based works?
Stupid... brainless... irrational... crappy... self-destructive... heart!!